If I only had a brain...

So today we received instruction on how to edit the listing of school lunch menus. And that’s a good thing, because I need reminding to capitalize "Tater Tots." But it’s also bad thing, because it showed me how far behind the power curve I am in making millions by patenting or trademarking everyday items.

For instance, some smart person decided to trademark "Orange Smiles" -- oranges cut into quarters -- and market them to most of the schools in North America. I wonder what his pitch was. Maybe "Why eat frowny fruit when you can eat Orange Smiles?" I’m telling you, if you want to get rich, just find something around the house and patent away.

Big companies do it too. Today Smucker was in court continuing its fight to patent a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. Among their many interesting arguments was the fact that it was they who came up with a unique process to put the jelly between the peanut butter. It’s actually a jelly-spreader named Merv with a hairnet and a butter knife, but let’s not be nitpicky. The patent office, which denied the patent request, filed a legal response saying (and I quote), "Duh, everybody puts the jelly between the peanut butter" and produced a cookbook to prove it.

I have two questions for Smucker’s lawyers. First, what cookbook was this? "Cooking Made Easy for the Faily Stupid"? And second, do you know where I can get a copy of it? I mean, it’s brilliant -- putting the jelly between the peanut butter. Now why couldn’t I think of that? It would certainly solve a problem for Meggie, who likes to pull the sandwich apart before eating each slice individually. If I followed Smucker’s PBJ model, instead of slathering her face alternately with peanut butter and jelly she could accomplish the entire process with one application of bread to face. Simple but elegant.

But don’t worry about us lagging behind in the patent race. We still have a few ideas in our junk drawer. I have come up with "tooth sticks" -- little sticks you use to pick spinach from between your teeth. Cool, no? I’m going to call the Orange Smiles guy for help coming up with a snazzier name.

Hope that you’re all well and that your patent requests find favor.